


Here for Christmas

by komkommertijd



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Christmas Eve, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Lost Love, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21955483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/komkommertijd/pseuds/komkommertijd
Summary: There was a single snowflake falling down from the pitch-black sky, landing on Daniel's nose right before he stepped back into the warm apartment. He turned around one last time, whispering into the night before closing the door behind him."Merry Christmas, Maxy."
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 20
Kudos: 57





	Here for Christmas

It was an unusual Christmas Eve for Daniel. He would normally spend it at home with his family, in the heat of the Australian summer. He would go swimming with his friends and enjoy his time outside, always armed with sunscreen and sunglasses to avoid a sunburn. It would be hot and sunny and exuberant fun and it was perfect to take his mind off things.

This time, he was sitting on a couch far away from home, looking out the glass front displaying a sea of lights in the dark night. He was dressed in an ugly red Christmas sweater someone forced him to wear over his shirt and held a mug with hot punch in his hands, the artificial warmth filling the room and forcing the cold air from outside away. The lights of the tree barely stood out, toned down by the overhead lights. Christmas music was playing softly, the Bluetooth speaker connected to someone's phone, someone who apparently used Spotify premium. Daniel could really use a break from the songs, but so far there hasn't been a single ad. He sighed and decided to get up from the couch, moving past Lando and George who were having a discussion about something that was probably completely irrelevant.

He slipped through the door and out onto the balcony, letting the cold air embrace him and clear his thoughts. It smelled weirdly like snow, not something Daniel was particularly used to, but there weren't any of the white flakes in sight. The icy Mediterranean Sea let its waves crash against the coast, rocking the yachts to sleep in the harbor and filling the air with the even noise of the ocean. Somehow it was a calm night even with all the parties and people visiting Monaco for the holidays, it wasn't stormy and it was not raining either, which was something Daniel was very grateful now that he was standing outside to cool down.

"Hey Dan, dinner's almost ready. Are you okay?"

He didn't reply, he didn't even know the answer to Alex's question. He just continued looking at the sea, feeling the hot steam rising from his mug caress his chin, leaving behind a wet spot. He heard Alex walking over to him, it was just a few steps, really, stopping next to him and leaning on the handrail. He turned his head to follow Daniel's view and for a while they just stood there together in silence, listening to the waves and the people partying in the distance. Dan felt weirdly empty, as if there was a hole in his chest, sucking the life out of his body, taking away all of his emotions. His mind was blank, his brain too tired to produce any kind of thoughts and for a while he just accepted it.

"He knew the most random things about the superyachts down there, I always wondered how he could remember all those facts. I couldn't bring myself to care about them, but he seemed to just know stuff without actively trying to, you know?"

Alex just hummed, probably lost in his own memories as well. The older one took a sip of the punch, scrunching his nose when the now cool liquid ran down his throat. He decided to down the whole beverage in one go then, shivering from the weird aftertaste. Alex didn't seem to notice.

"I bet he would've wanted to choose the tree with Lando and if he did it would look horrible now, but at least you would've known that it's a real tree. They would have had so much fun decorating it. I can imagine them fighting over who gets to place the star on top, it would be fun to watch, don't you think?"

Again, no real verbal reply, but he could make out a nod in the corner of his eye, Alex's head moving slightly up and down in the light of the moon and the city. They went back to staying quiet, just watching the happenings around them, the city lights reflecting in their eyes. Daniel felt exhausted, for what reason he didn't know. He was drained, no energy left in his muscles and the hope and dreams fading in the dark like the lights on the dark surface of the water.

"I accidentally bought a present for him this year, a silly one, really, but it made me think of him. It was one of those you don't really know you want until you have them. I put it in my living room, for now, I couldn't return it after all. I mean what would I say? Sorry but I forgot the person I bought this for is gone?"

No reply, Daniel saw that coming already. He sighed and mirrored Alex's pose, feeling the cold metal under his hands when they came to rest on the handrail. The waves were still moving towards the harbor in their even pattern, there was still music playing and people laughing somewhere and there was still this empty hole in Daniel's heart no one could fill. Matching the ones in the sea, a wave of sadness hit him, crashing down on him like the water on the cliffs and rocks. He blinked frantically, feeling his eyes burn with tears. The sight in front of him blurred, silver and golden lights becoming one as hot tears escaped his eyes and made their way down his cheeks, kissing his chin before falling down on the cold metal without making a sound.

"Every year around this time I start to think about him more frequently, I imagine what it would be like to have him with us, no matter if it's in Australia or here. There are so many memories and I don't know how to deal with it sometimes. We're really going to have another Christmas Eve without him, I can't believe it's been so long. Most days are easier now, but it gets so hard around Christmas and I miss him like hell, Alex. I can't believe he's really gone."

It was then that he let a sob past his lips, giving vent to his despair and sadness. He felt a cold hand on his shoulder, the sympathetic pat turning into a hug when more tears started falling and he couldn't keep his feelings bottled up anymore. He let his head fall on Alex's shoulder, wetting his shirt, trembling with the sobs leaving his body. For a few minutes, they stayed like this, holding onto each other and each living through their pain in their own ways.

"It's been hard for all of us, Dan. Today we're all with him in our thoughts and I understand that is even harder for you. I wish I could help you, but we both know I can't. I am so sorry."

The Australian managed to distance himself a little from his friend, wiping his wet cheeks and taking a deep breath to collect his thoughts. He then nodded slowly as if to process the information. He could hear the pain in Alex's voice and felt bad for making this harder for everyone than it already was.

"I loved him, Alex. I really did. More than I could ever love anyone else and the thought of losing him scared me so much. I don't think I will ever be okay with it, pretending I'm doing okay without him is already hard enough. I'll never get over him and I don't know what to do without him."

The door opened, George and Lando peeking around it to inform their friends that dinner was ready but stopping in their tracks and their cheerful expressions faltering as they realized what was going on. They just quietly joined the two other party guests, not daring to say anything when Daniel looked at them for a second before turning back to Alex, who let out a sigh before giving his friends a weak smile.

"I know this will never really go away, but we should keep on doing our thing nevertheless. He wouldn't want to ruin our Christmas this way, right? Inside of us, he is still here, tonight he is here with all of us. Charles even put a plate on the table for him, we have an empty seat in case he wants to join us. It won't be the same, but tonight we'll know that he never really left us. Max would never leave you, Daniel."

Maybe Alex was right, the oldest in the group thought when he got pulled into a group hug, finding himself in the middle of the warm embrace, Lando's happy cheers filling his ears. Maybe it would be okay after all, and even if not, he still had friends who would look out for him. There was a single snowflake falling down from the pitch-black sky, landing on Daniel's nose right before he stepped back into the warm apartment. He turned around one last time, whispering into the night before closing the door behind him.

"Merry Christmas, Maxy."

**Author's Note:**

> "Here for Christmas" by Lukas Graham inspired me to write this, it's a beautiful song.  
> I'm not good at writing about grief, I just tried to put my own feelings and experiences into this.  
> English is not my first language, so I apologize for mistakes that might occur.  
> Feedback is always appreciated, it helps me improve my work :)  
> Thank you so much for reading!


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